I can vividly recall being a new leader of a middle school with raw nerves when veteran teachers charged in to see me, upset about the outfits of some students. They expected me to address this with an iron fist, and I recognized it would be one of many tests along the way to me gaining their respect. Yet it was a complex test to pass: Almost all of the complaints were about female students’ dress.
This presented two immediate problems.
First, as a young male administrator, I had real concerns about how me addressing a female student’s dress would be perceived.
Second, there was an obvious gender bias gap apparent. What about male students and some of the questionable attire they wore on a given basis? It didn’t seem to matter, implicit bias was rampant and I had to figure this out.
That was the 1990s. More recently, I have written about dress code and engaging students in the process of developing fair equitable expectations and ways to respond. But back then, there were those unflinching veteran teachers, waiting and watching–administrators would face their wrath! Many times, their concerns were legitimate, sometimes their expectations disproportionate to the issue, like the dress code police.
I learned quickly (and mostly on my own) that I had to show these teachers support or I would lose them. Even before coverage around students being “dress-coded” surfaced years later, and especially since almost none of the students being reported had any behavioral concerns, I had to balance my response. We can learn how to help kids who can be disruptive and disrespectful, if we approach it the right way.
While I saw the implicit bias all the way glaring back at me then, I couldn’t quite put a finger on it–we weren’t there yet, at least in New Jersey. I have since taught teachers about implicit bias, its natural influence on how we respond, that it is a normal part of humanity, and most importantly, that being aware of it can help us react with better impact and respect.
Come Sail Away
I learned to sail as a child. I loved it! There were a lot of survival rules to follow, the most important of which was knowing the keel was sound. This is the odd-looking apparatus hidden in the belly of the boat that sits in the water to counter waves and turns. One false move and you capsize. The same is true with balancing the strong beliefs of one party that are in conflict with those of another.
Like every administrator, new and veteran, I face the delicate balance of managing discipline between the angry teacher and the upset parent. I learned over time that while I had to remain even-handed in disciplinary decisions, the way I approached each with differing viewpoints mattered.
Consider one scenario: A student was being redirected by a teacher to play safe at recess. The student ignored the teacher and continued with aggressive actions toward others and themself. The teacher became upset and raised their voice. The student turned to the teacher and said, “You can’t tell me what to do, that’s what my mom said ….”
Any adult redirecting a child who came across “fresh” would have understandably strong feelings. My recommendation would be to never show that side. If necessary, breathe and take a moment. That didn’t happen in this scenario. A few moments later, the student was seated in the office, hands crossed smiling as the teacher was standing over them, pointing and demanding, “Wipe that smile off your face!”
If you have been a school leader or are becoming one, you have, or most certainly will, experience something like this and it is one of the most challenging scenarios to navigate.
What made this more problematic is that the student was probably right; the parent had told her teachers can’t make her do anything.
De-escalating Psychological Warfare
On one side, I have a teacher demanding “justice,” and on the other, a parent who if approached incorrectly, is ready for a long, drawn-out fight. How do I manage the balance between them?
The first order of business was to get the teacher away from the student. This is the “Let’s take a walk back to your classroom” shift I offer. During this slow, steady stroll, I let the teacher vent. I don’t have to agree with them, but acknowledging alone goes a long way in making them feel validated. A simple but direct response, “I understand, I will take care of this,” is what I convey. Certainly, there may be a time, not at that moment but later, because they felt supported when I can offer some valuable feedback on implicit bias, temperament, etc. But that comes later.
After speaking with the student and getting their story, I explain how this was a matter of safety. I stay away from the attitude issue the teacher contested. Then it becomes about an adult acting the kids’ age. No-win situation. Upon calling the parent, I discuss with the student present so there is no “That’s not what happened!” claim from the student later that night, and then an angrier email from the difficult parent just as I’m settling in for the evening.
Talking through the incident with a focus on safety, I don’t hide that the student made comments, I just report them objectively. This parent finds that information irrelevant, as expected, and I focus the reason for discipline on safety. “I wouldn’t want her or others to get hurt,” I say. While the parent may (and likely will) try to personalize this about the teacher, I continue to steer back to the safety issue.
Ultimately, the parent cannot disagree with safety. Next, I return to the teacher and let her know, “I took care of this.” The emphasis is on acknowledging (not agreeing with) the teacher’s concern and that discipline was subsequently meted out. The teacher was satisfied and I kept the keel stable on both sides.
What’s most valuable about conveying this response in two very different ways is the psychology that both sides felt supported and heard, and we approached each very differently. Free advertising from the teacher (“He backed me up!”) and the parent (“What an understanding administrator he was!”) echoes far beyond and we win on both sides of the coin. That’s powerful yet simple psychology.
By anchoring every decision in objective principles rather than emotional conflicts, effective school leaders can satisfy both passionate educators and defensive parents, keeping the school’s keel steady through the stormiest waters.
